The Totally Obsessed Fan is Bitterly Disappointed
by Miss Katonic
Summary: The title is self explanatory, I hope.


The Totally Obsessed Fan is Bitterly Disappointed

A one-shot in three parts by

Miss Katonic

I

Hey, hello, reader! My name is Evelyn, and I am a fifteen year old. I go to Rockshore High School in the sunshine state (California!).

My story begins one summer day as I was walking along the seashore. I looked out to sea and thought of pirates. Of valiant and cunning pirates pillaging and stealing, and all the stuff they do. Of Jack Sparrow.

My heart skipped a beat.

_Captain_ Jack Sparrow.

I formed a mental image of him in my mind, not even forgetting the splinter of bone he tied in his hair. I thought of him smiling, laughing, looking concerned, and I imagined all those expressions were aimed at me. I gave a dreamy sigh, and never let my gaze leave the rolling waves.

_If only I could enter the world he lives in_, I thought, _I know he'd fall in love with me. _I'm a very lovable person.

I finally reached my destination: the harbor. I greeted Mr. Lorrey, the man overseeing the use of the docks, and showed him my members card. He nodded, and I walked down the bobbing planks of dark wood until I reached my small sailboat. I called it _The Pink Pearl_, and my stepdad painted it a pale incandescent pink color, with its name written in loopy black letters on the sides.

He gave me the boat itself as a end-of-the-year gift; I'd passed my boat safety class, and he was exceptionally proud of me. It's a tough class.

Anyway, I climbed in _The Pink Pearl_ and began unknotting the ropes to free it from the dock. The sky was darkening prematurely, but I have a good sense of time, so I figured I could sail about the bay for a good hour before the storm struck.

The wind caught in the sails and tugged me out to the wide expanse of the Pacific Ocean. I breathed in the tangy air and smiled, closing my eyes. I pretended I was aboard _The Black Pearl_. It was a party celebrating my arrival, because I was the beautiful daughter of the Dread Pirate Roberts. Everyone was dressed splendidly from the plundered wealth of victim ships, and we were all wearing masks.

Joyous music spilled from the fiddles and accordions as we danced about the gently swaying ship. I was in the arms of a tall, muscular man (who was really Jack Sparrow, but I was pretending I didn't know who it was yet. I love surprises) wearing a skull mask and a flowing gold robe. Fireworks were shooting above us in the creamy black sky of night, and laughter could be heard from every corner of the deck. At midnight I remained in the arms of my partner, and we revealed our identity. I gasped with delight upon seeing my partner to be Jack Sparrow. _Captain _Jack Sparrow. He slowly leaned towards me to give me a kiss-

Lightning cracked the sky and I was jerked out of my daydreaming. I scowled at the steely dark sky until a raindrop fell into my eye. I shivered as the rain suddenly descended onto me, and I began to feel frightened. I'd never sailed in a storm before. I clung to the mast as the waves tipped _The Pink Pearl_ back and forth. One of the rigging locks swung about my head, and I ducked to avoid it smacking my head.

_I wish Jack Sparrow was here to save me_, I thought miserably, clutching tighter to the mast. The rigging lock swung around again, and this time from behind, cracking me roughly on the back of my head. The world went suddenly white, and then very, very dark.

II

My severe coughing brought me back to consciousness. Sea water burned in my throat and nose as I instinctually kept coughing to rid my lungs of the water. When I was finally able to control myself I looked around. The sky was an innocent light blue and there was not a cloud to be seen. My fingers were grasping a bit of very familiar looking pink coated wood. Brave black curly letters still formed words:

_ink Pea _

The _ink Pea_! I choked back a sob as I realized all that was left of my boat was the piece of it that was holding me afloat. All I had to remember it by was this silly _ink Pea_. The vulgarity of the absolute absence of beauty in the memento annoyed me so much I got a lump in my throat. The storm couldn't have left me with a decent _Pearl_, _Pink_, or even _The Pink_. No. I was stuck with _ink Pea_.

I was jarred from my furious thoughts by a man's voice calling "man overboard!"

I looked around and noticed a ship drawing closer to me. Not a modern ship, but like a clipper ship of some sort. The sails were tattered, and the hull was pocked with gaping holes.

A carved figure of a woman holding a dove caught me eye, and I nearly fainted with joy and surprise. It was _The Black Pearl_, I was sure of it!

"Help!" I cried, trying to figure out how I could make my voice sound like it was being emitted from a damsel in distress.

I abandoned my _ink Pea_ and began swimming towards the ship. Wet jeans are a bear to swim in, and I momentarily considered trying to remove them until I remembered who was waiting for me on _The Black Pearl_. Jack Sparrow would see me in soggy jeans and a dripping halter top. This was not good.

Realizing there was nothing I could do about it, I let my fingers curl around the coarse rope ladder smacking the side of the ship, and hauled myself up. When I reached the top there were no helpful hands to aid me, and I flopped unceremoniously on the very deck my imaginings had often taken me to.

" Here now, who are you?" a dwarf demanded, looking down at me.

"I'm Evelyn," I managed to articulate, and pushed myself into a sitting position.

"Anamaria!" the dwarf continued, "take this thing down below."

The woman came over to me and yanked me up. She then proceeded to lead me rather roughly to a low door.

"Don't you need to take me to the captain?" I spluttered, looking over my shoulder.

"Nonsense, silly girl. Jack doesn't need to be bothered right now with your arrival."

I would have been annoyed at her calling me a "silly girl," but I was too caught on another thing she's said.

She called him Jack. Dark thoughts gathered in my mind towards Anamaria. She didn't have the respect to call him Captain Jack Sparrow, or Captain Jack in the least.

Perhaps they were on more personal terms. My heart froze in my chest as I remembered that in the movie, Jack Sparrow had promised Anamaria _The Dauntless_ once the mission had been completed. Why, then, was she still aboard _The Black Pearl_?

Horrible images of Jack Sparrow and Anamaria talking sweet nothing to each other flashed across my mind. I glared at Anamaria, and she just smiled impishly back.

"I demand to see your captain!" I exclaimed, and twisted my wrist from her grip. I knew that once Jack Sparrow saw me he'd smile, take off his overcoat, and drape it around my shoulders to keep me warm. He'd be kind to me, and offer me his room to sleep in, and give me gorgeous dresses to wear that had been stolen from various ships. I smiled as I stepped up the stairs to the captain's deck, wondering if he would kiss my hand or not.

When I reached the deck I saw Captain Jack Sparrow at the wheel, looking the opposite direction. His lips moved ceaselessly, as if he was softly singing to himself. He held himself proudly, his feet spread apart and both hands resting firmly on the wheel handles.

"Captain Jack Sparrow?" I began, trying to sound as calm as possible. He dragged his eyes from the horizon and rested them on me. I nearly fainted.

Those dark eyes ringed in kohl were actually beholding _me_. A lump formed in my throat, but this was in no way related to the one caused by the ink Pea. I smiled charmingly and drew nearer, making a point to shiver a bit and clatter my teeth.

Jack Sparrow made no move in the way of removing his coat.

"What can I do for you?" he drawled, returning his eyes to the sea.

What could he do for me? It hadn't occurred to me yet that he wouldn't immediately be smitten with my beauty (which my friends assure me is unique), and now he expected me to talk to him, which meant I'd have to make him fall in love with me for my clever wit and charming personality.

This was going to be harder than I thought.

III

"Let go of me; let go!" I screamed angrily, kicking against my captors. Pirates are strong. Really strong. One of them laughed as they threw me through the dark doorway, and I hit the ground with an uncomfortable thud.

I spent a few seconds debating whether it would be worth it to actually get up and pound on the locked door, but finally admitted defeat and stared at the ceiling.

Really, is it that unusual for a person to throw herself on her true love? It happens all the time in movies and books, and he takes her to his chest and holds her tightly, whispering romantic words into her ear, and even singing his love for her, if she's lucky.

Captain Jack Sparrow was no such man. When I fell to my knees and pledged myself his undeserving servant forever and always, he didn't help me stand, or even kneel by my side. He didn't burst into song, he didn't say anything remotely encouraging.

He laughed.

Jack Sparrow laughed at me.

_Captain _Jack Sparrow laughed at me.

It was thoroughly devastating.

To add insult to injury, he then ordered that I should, as his undeserving servant, go chase after someone my own age, like the cabin boy. When I told him I would never and could never love another, he chuckled, and ordered me to be locked in the storage room until I came to my senses.

I was then struck with an amazing and thoroughly original idea! I _would_ chase after the cabin boy, and make Captain Jack Sparrow jealous of my affection I directed at this lucky cabin boy.

I jumped to my feet and hurried to the door and began pounding on it. "Let me out or let the cabin boy in!" I cried before even thinking through my brilliant plan.

I paused, realizing what I'd just said, and how any given pirate would hear it, and tried hastily to save my reputation.

" I need someone my age to confide to!" I yelled with equal urgency, hearing snickers outside the door.

"Of course you do," a voice roared from outside with laughter. I recognized it as Mr. Gibbs. Then I realized it didn't matter who said it, because all that mattered was reuniting myself with my one True Love, and, more importantly, making sure I was his True Love.

I tried to be devilishly clever and pick the lock, but failed spectacularly.

I tried to sound stunningly seductive and persuade someone to let me out, but that plan failed too.

It's a good thing I have such a pretty face, or else life would be really hard.

Discouraged, I leaned against the door, tried to cry pathetically enough to evoke pity in the hearts of the crew, and when I failed that, I gave up trying and fell asleep.

I woke up confused. I was in my room, under my covers, and my window was open wide.

Was that a dream? I thought, feeling somewhat relieved. If it had been a dream, I could keep on hoping that if I ever met Captain Jack Sparrow, he would treat me as he would in my daydreams.

I smiled, letting my mind drift back to my favorite imagining: the masquerade ball aboard _The Black Pearl_. I rolled on my stomach and slipped my hands under my pillow. Something caught on my palm and I swore softly as I yanked my hand into view and observed a splinter the length of a needle.

Annoyed, I lifted my pillow to unmask the culprit, and saw a thoroughly distressing sight.

_ink Pea_.

The End


End file.
